Jesse James: Wah! Wah! Wah!

Until now, I honestly didn't have an opinion on the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James scandal because I think it's not our business. But if you're going to provide an interview on ABC Nightline to clear the air, then don't come off as a big baby, seriously. All I want to know is, who is this guy kidding?

First of all, to accuse your parent of abuse is a big deal. I grew up with kids that were abused. I still see kids who live in conditions that border on abuse and it's far worse than fear of a raging dad. As far as I can recall, my mom was always in a rage too and she was scary. I'm talking Nurse Ratched scary. Sure, I got smacked upside the head when I was being fresh - yes, I got locked in my room when I was being a disobedient teenager. And until I had kids of my own, it did seem unjustified but eventually, I got a taste of my own bullshit. It's called the lion king...no, I mean the circle of life - life - it's called life.

His whole "broken arm" sob story - he fell down when his father was chasing him to beat his whiny little ass. I hate to say it but watch where you're going! If you're going to be a klutz and break your own arm trying to get away then I'd say, isn't it less crippling if you just took the beating? I'm just sayin'.

But the cherry on top was when he confessed that he cheated because he wanted to sabotage his life - that he wanted to get caught. That's all that rehab fraud talking. Rehab trains you to say the right things and divert the responsibility, so they can charge famous people a couple of thousand dollars a day. That's what his "excuse" sounds like to me.

He wanted to get caught - like this was all his idea. To ruin his marriage and hurt other people because he doesn't feel worthy of love, and he's still that scared seven year old that pushes people away because he can't trust anybody to stay and...can I shoot him now and put him out of my misery?

To their credit, when men like these guys - the Jesse James, the Tiger Woods, the Bill Clintons - fuck up their marriages and childishly breach the sacred union with a skanky whore, it makes me appreciate the jerk-off I married. Because my husband may be an inconsiderate, foul mouthed wind bag full of noxious gas but a cheater he is not.

And that's the One Thing I always say to our boys, you're only as good as your word - now go clean your rooms before I send you to Siberia.