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Friday, October 28, 2011

Tea Party Crasher

Halloween 2011 is on a Monday. Really, who ever planned this - is an idiot. I realize that it's not the first or the last Halloween to land on a Monday but it's the first for me with two boys in school. The day is going to require advanced planning. I hate planning ahead because with boys, a plan is just for wrecking.

If you asked me two weeks ago, I'd say we were fine. The boys knew what they wanted to be in enough time to qualify for free-snail-mail shipping. The hubby and I figured we'd think of something for ourselves at the last minute. Now, normally, parents don't do costumes, but we have this maniacal friend who is absolutely retarded over Halloween. Every year, he has this party where he transforms his house into a spookfest adventure, which in my opinion is better than any haunted house I paid to enter at Coney Island - those just smell like pee.

Yes, it's so over the top, it's been dubbed "Swanoween". All the top ghouls are displayed there, from Jason and Freddy to Headless brides and zombies popping out of graves. My boys are TERRIFIED. But they love it. Monsters are as attractive to them right now as girls will be when they're fifteen. To me, it's a prelude. I'm a seasoned woman - I know they're the same thing.

Anyway, that's why the husband and I needed costumes and we were clueless. It made me wonder why we place so much heart into Halloween. Why couldn't we be like those half-assed revelers that slap on cat ears and a tail or devil horns? I mean, after a couple of beers, who gives a rat's tucas.

One year, we went as the duo from the Matrix. Well, my husband was Morpheus because he lacked Keanu Reeves' hair - but that's about as corny as we got, I swear.

There were a couple of ideas I never went through with. The pregnant nun when I was knocked up with our second guy; a Burqa with a Heineken and kitty heels - that would've went well in our largely Muslim neighborhood. This year, with all the rapes and assaults on women, I was thinking "vigilante" - it's a costume and a deterrent. Talk about multi-tasking!

But I couldn't decide between Charles Bronson or Bernie Geotz. Physically, I look more like Bronson: short and stubby with a big flat nose, squinty eyes, salt and pepper hair, oh...and the wrinkles.

As it turned out, the local 99 cent shop was having a Halloween costume blitz and Sarah Palin was on sale for $8.99. Vigilante or Palin? Well, they both carry guns so the kooky mama's close enough for me.

Before you label me, let me just state: I'm not making a statement here. I realize that a political Halloween get-up is an invitation to trouble, especially when it's a Republican trick-or-treating in a highly Democratic state. What am I, nuts? Actually, no - Sarah Palin is and like I said, the costume was on sale for 8.99! My choices were that or a Donald Trump wig, which would undoubtedly make me look like a Golden Girl.

If I don't get clobbered for tea or deer meat, I'll try to be a good blogger and actually post some pictures from this year. In the mean time, enjoy some of Swanoween's past.
Morpheus and Trinity escort Wolverine & Handy Manny

Hey! Who invited my mother?

I crapped my pants, did you?

My husband after one too many

I just saved 10 percent switching to Geico!

The Bar - AAAAhhhhh!

Swan circa Johnny Depp Scissorhands...and me

Do you go to P.S. 150, too?

Swanoween 2010 - War Machine, Natural Born Killers & Some Power Ranger

Stayne (Alice In Wonderland) & really mature guy

Swan circa Johnny Depp Mad Hatter
Wonder what Johnny Depp/Tim Burton character he's going to be this year...Rango?


  1. I'm pretty retarded over Halloween too...SO retarded, in fact, that I literally willed a child out of my loins on this day. I had no idea I had such power. :)
    Love the Swan pics from years past, and looking forward to seeing Sarah Palin!

  2. That's the best part of October babies - great birthday goody bags. Happy Birthday Halloween!

    And shucks, Sarah's going to have to wait until next year - unless a deer runs her over.

  3. I love love your Trinity Morpheus duo. Oh what to do to see Sarah P.? A truckload of beer? hmnn.. Hallooween is not an official holiday here but it's being promoted by malls. I love Mad Hatter and Edward Scissorhands too.I see you have the coolest friends too.

  4. I’m not much of a Halloween fan, quite frankly. Turning one’s home into the neighbourhood haunted house is insane. As for Sarah being on sale at your local 99 cent store....I’m surprised someone would pay that much for her.