Doing housework, I feel like Hunter S. Thompson in Fear And Loathing. Out of the side of my mouth I curse the dregs I clean up after, utter a string of profanities and nervously check the clock to see how long it's taking. Every minute I am cleaning is a minute away from writing and there is just so much work piled up, it could constipate an elephant.
Naturally, the thirty minutes I allotted to vacuum the bedrooms went totally awry. Not only did it turn into an all morning event, it became a scabies kind of day. It all happened when I made the mistake of moving the bed in my husband's man cave. I discovered a colony of ants. Apparently, two peanuts that fell under the bed were serving as food central - an Ant Costco if you will.
Bugs get my nerves on edge - a lot of bugs send me through the roof. Armed with my no-nonsense, trustworthy, workhorse of a Dyson, I vacuumed ferociously leaving no invader a chance to go home. The Hunter S. Thompson mode gave way to a more combative character. Say, Ripley in Aliens (2). Especially when I started cleaning the mudroom that led to the Man Cave where I found more ants, a cockroach carcass and a HUGE spider.
"Take that, you Bitch!" I yelled at every insect-looking-thing.
And then my Dyson jammed up. Yes, the manufacturer touts it doesn't happen with a Dyson but obviously they never dealt with kids socks before. The only option was to dump out the canister with all the invaders in it - possibly still alive. I decided to make it harder on myself and said, heck why not haul out all this junk in the mudroom too, while you're at it? So I did.
Eventually, this brought me into the garage, where some of this shit was to be stored and thus commenced a whole new level of my scabies kind of day. By the end, my clothes were covered in dust, dirt, squirrel shit, ant shit that I wanted to burn them with me still in them. Instead, I peeled them off in the mudroom, with the door open. Fuck what the neighbors thought - I was damn itchy.
After a Karen Silkwood shower, I washed my clothes in hot water, double rinse cycle. I'm still contemplating throwing them out altogether - that's how scarred I am. Tomorrow, I'm not cleaning shit.