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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Scabies Kind Of Day

Doing housework, I feel like Hunter S. Thompson in Fear And Loathing. Out of the side of my mouth I curse the dregs I clean up after, utter a string of profanities and nervously check the clock to see how long it's taking. Every minute I am cleaning is a minute away from writing and there is just so much work piled up, it could constipate an elephant.

Naturally, the thirty minutes I allotted to vacuum the bedrooms went totally awry. Not only did it turn into an all morning event, it became a scabies kind of day. It all happened when I made the mistake of moving the bed in my husband's man cave. I discovered a colony of ants. Apparently, two peanuts that fell under the bed were serving as food central - an Ant Costco if you will.

Bugs get my nerves on edge - a lot of bugs send me through the roof.  Armed with my no-nonsense, trustworthy, workhorse of a Dyson, I vacuumed ferociously leaving no invader a chance to go home. The Hunter S. Thompson mode gave way to a more combative character. Say, Ripley in Aliens (2). Especially when I started cleaning the mudroom that led to the Man Cave where I found more ants, a cockroach carcass and a HUGE spider.

"Take that, you Bitch!" I yelled at every insect-looking-thing.

And then my Dyson jammed up. Yes, the manufacturer touts it doesn't happen with a Dyson but obviously they never dealt with kids socks before. The only option was to dump out the canister with all the invaders in it - possibly still alive. I decided to make it harder on myself and said, heck why not haul out all this junk in the mudroom too, while you're at it? So I did.

Eventually, this brought me into the garage, where some of this shit was to be stored and thus commenced a whole new level of my scabies kind of day. By the end, my clothes were covered in dust, dirt, squirrel shit, ant shit that I wanted to burn them with me still in them. Instead, I peeled them off in the mudroom, with the door open. Fuck what the neighbors thought - I was damn itchy.

After a Karen Silkwood shower, I washed my clothes in hot water, double rinse cycle. I'm still contemplating throwing them out altogether - that's how scarred I am. Tomorrow, I'm not cleaning shit.


  1. OMG this post cracked me up hardcore...I luaghed so hard sorry about the bugs though ...I effin hate bugs ...OH I hate them with a passion....ugh

  2. You're too funny!

    I found your blog through BlogFrog and now I'm a follower. Here's my blog if you'd like to stop by.

  3. Ha! Maybe the neighbors enjoyed the show, ya neva know!

    Oh, and I love how google changes their ads to suit what you're writing about. Today the ads on your page are all about vacuum cleaners and bed bug remedies. haha

  4. Thanks for your comments - they do make my day!

  5. I found you on Blogfrog and glad I did. I plan to follow you, because you are a terrific writer. If you can entertain me with an ant and vacuum story, you've got something special going on! Please check my blog (w/ my grown daughters) and if you like us, please subscribe!