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Monday, April 23, 2012

Mental Diarrhea

No person in their right mind puts the word "diarrhea" in a blog title. But it has occurred to me that the words "right" and "mind" are an oxymoron when describing my thought process. According to my husband, Zuki and my mother, I am never right anyway.

Never.

Samu, remains loyal to mommy no matter what. But he may be a Leprechaun, so I'm not sure if having him on my team is a good thing.

Getting back to "Mental Diarrhea," I took an extra long hiatus from blogging and now my complaints are backed up.

For starters, mice. They have invaded my kitchen. Up until recently, I had the perfect pest control - stray cats. I swear we must've had at least twenty feral felines patrolling the backyard. Sure, the cats were a little annoying with their middle-of-the-night fornication, but I don't mind waking up to howls of kitty orgasms half as much as finding mice turd behind the microwave.

Samu wants to catch the mice so he can keep them as pets. Like I said, he's not sane enough to have on my team.

Next, on my list - teeth. Samu had his extra tooth extracted during Spring break. This is what it looks like:

Sperm Tooth
It sort of confirms my notion that he's actually a Leprechaun. Despite its deformity, and the fact that it was extracted by a dentist, he only received the standard dollar for it. I told him he should keep it and charge a quarter to view it - he would've made a killing. He opted for payment upfront. Leprechauns these days...I tell ya.

Then Zuki lost another baby tooth last Friday. Between the Russo brothers, that makes two teeth in less than two weeks. There should be a maximum for Tooth Fairy payouts - or an unlimited plan. Who came up with this shit anyway?

Lastly, I fell deathly ill from sun stroke. That's what happens when you break your vow to never, ever, ever go to the zoo on a field trip again - but that's a whole other story. Zuki switched classes in March and I wanted to meet his new classmates. So far, I met the boy who devoured the contents of a quart sized Tupperware filled with flank steak, rice and beans, half a ham & cheese hero, an orange and a plum for lunch. Can you imagine what he eats for dinner? I have a feeling he's going to inhale a cow by the time he's 15.

Then there was a girl classmate who sat next to me on the bus ride back. Apparently, she talks to angels. She says, God is like a doctor in the sky. If you're well, you get to go upstairs. If you're not - you have to follow somebody on earth and most probably, that person lives in a small apartment. Her words - honestly. But the clincher was when she asked me why all toys come from China.

"Why can't they make toys in America?" She asked in all earnest.


I always suspected that Santa ran a sweat shop.

13 comments:

  1. I experienced the whole gamut of emotions reading your post: (1.) relief that you were blogging once more and hadn't, ya know, DIED, (2.) empathy for the mouse thing (my solution? Get a snake - bye bye, mice AND stray cats, and Samu would have a waaay cooler pet), (3.) giddy laughter over sperm tooth, (4.) sadness and concern regarding your sun stroke, and (5.) a final laugh thanks to the little God-fearing girl on the bus. Glad you're back!

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    1. For the record, my husband is a cockroach: he's tough to kill. Me? I'm damn near indestructible - just look what I'm doing to my liver trying to keep up with him!

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  2. Yup, we did the haitus about the same time. The sperm tooth is just classic! Hahahaha!
    About the sun stroke, I can well relate, we hit a 33.2 degrees Celsius (91.76 degrees Fahrenheit) here in Cebu last Saturday and on some parts as hight as 35 degrees Celsius (95 degrees Fahrenheit).
    The angel-talking classmate made a very good ending!
    Welcome back friend!
    I missed you and your boys! ;)

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    1. Thanks for waiting up! My husband hid the tooth until Samu outgrows the Tooth Fairy. Then we're going to mount it!

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  3. Hahahahaha! Oh how I miss you...except I see you in my comments but I miss you're writing!!!

    That tooth is freakish and I think you should put it on ebay and see what you can get for it.

    ~The G is Silent

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    1. eBay - now why didn't I think of that?

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  4. sperm tooth???? hahaha!!!! sun stroke? i am so sorry! you know how to grab attention with a title but i would hate to see the SEO stat hits for your site about diarrhea! ha! :)

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  5. Fun you should mention the tooth (sperm tooth).

    One of Christopher’s front teeth fell out at the in-laws. My mother in-law runs and grabs a small box containing several of my wife’s wisdom teeth. “Look Christopher,” she says, “these are your mommy’s teeth!” Ugh, gross!



    Happy you’re back in the blogger business once again.

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    1. Thanks for waiting up! And yes, saving teeth is gross.

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  6. Sperm tooth! That's hilarious! Sorry to hear you had sun stroke!

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    1. Thanks - if my head were normal size, I could've worn a hat and avoided it.

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