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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Hang Him!

So, I have a job lined up in May.

It's temporary, but I plan to milk it for what it's worth. Some people think it's a shit position and do anything they can to avoid it - but not me. Even when I was working, I didn't mind serving. I'm talking about jury duty.

It's a writers mecca if you think about it. All the losers in the world under one roof. Heartless lawyers, jaded plaintiffs and the assholes that they're suing. And if that's not bad enough, they gather all of us clueless citizens to judge the case.

As you can tell from my blog - I don't judge. Stop snickering.

Hey, if the court wants my worthless opinion, I'll spit into my palms, rub them together and say, "Bring on the circus!"

The last time I was in the court house, my husband was summoned to court to pay a credit card bill, which was a result of "Identity Theft." I went with him for moral support (and to carry the crackers and crayons to keep him busy) and I enjoyed the show.

The day we were assigned the court date, there was a guy pacing up and down with some plastic bags. He went up to the window and said, "I ain't got no money - what do I do?"

"Are you a victim of Identity Theft?" The clerk asked.

"Oh no! I owe that money."

"Well, you can speak to a lawyer about claiming bankruptcy but you have to show up to court on this date."

"Okay. But I ain't got no money."

Dumb ass. See, I don't judge.

Do you think we could get away with saying that to China?

If I keep up this attitude, they'll never pick me to sit on a jury. And I kind of want to. But I know the George Carlin in me is going to spew something opinionated.

"I'd make a terrific juror because I can spot guilty people."

Yeah - no. Next!

For the record, I'm not sarcastic or opinionated or tainted or biased. I'm a New Yorker. If you go to one of the three public phones we have in the city, this is what you'll see.

The smiley face just makes it friendly
And if you go to the ladies room at Dinosaur Barbecue, you'll be greeted with this:

So, yes. I think I can be impartial in comparison.

14 comments:

  1. you got picked??? haha! i have never been picked! those signs are hilarious!

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    1. No, I never get picked for anything. But if I do, ho-ho-ho!

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  2. Totally awesome!

    Way back when we lived in good ol’ America, I got one of those letters. I reported to Beverly Hills, of all places. Wanna trade places?! So if we don’t hear from you for the next three weeks, we’ll know why. Have fun and I can't wait to hear all about it!

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    1. Thanks to the iPad, I shouldn't be too bored.

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  3. Oh man I cannot WAIT to hear about what you see. Try to record stuff with your phone or if you have a tablet. Take really good notes. I'm so excited!!!!

    ~The G is Silent

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    1. The court house in Jamaica has Laptop stations! Wonder if they got with the program and opened a barista in there, too...

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  4. I'd love jury duty!!! But the three times I was picked, I couldn't go; it was at the very first few days of my job, or the last few days of my job. And I sorta wanted to go, for the reasons you stated--it'd be a writer's dream. Twelve Angry Men, Part II. Why can't I ever get called in the summer?!?

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    1. If they called you when it was convenient, it wouldn't be Jury Duty. That's like looking good on your driver's license picture.

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  5. I've never had jury duty. Around here I would think everyone would know everyone else- good luck finding enough people who don't already know the person on trial! hehehe
    can't wait to hear how it goes!

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    1. Since everybody knows everybody, it would be rather pointless to sue, huh? The upside is, you have a town with no lawyers.

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  6. A writer's mecca indeed! We'll, of course, require a detailed synopsis of EVERYTHING. No pressure.

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    1. Really. Civil court is full of dregs - it shouldn't be too hard to poke fun at somebody.

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  7. I would love to hear jury duty posts someday! :)

    "For the record, I'm not sarcastic or opinionated or tainted or biased. I'm a New Yorker."

    Super liked this! :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Donald Trump tried to say this but his eyebrows got caught in his necktie.

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