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Monday, November 28, 2011

Occupy Parking Lot

Thanksgiving - Black Friday - Cyber Monday. Only in America could we blow our diet and our credit card debt in one weekend. That's savvy marketing worth protesting, if you ask me. It'll be Occupy Parking Lot at Target, Best Buy and Stop & Shop accusing them of making ninety-nine percent of the population fat and poor. At least you'd be first in line come next year's Black Friday.

If you did risk your life to buy that flat screen television at three in the morning, hope you came back looking better than the turkey you carved up. I tried shopping on Black Friday once and truly, it backfired because if I'm given the time - like waiting an hour at the checkout line - I'm going to change my mind about buying a piece of crap.

The past couple of Christmases, we've been fortunate by being misfortunate. Being a single income family, people have accepted our handmade gifts, gingerly crafted by tiny fingers of exploited children. That would be our children.

This year, I have pages and pages of artwork thanks to Samu's Kindergarten productions. Now I have to figure out an inexpensive yet slamming way to present endless pictures of crabs and robots with a dialogue bubble emanating from their ass saying "Toot."

It'll be the opposite of Martha Stewart. Or it'll be like Martha Stewart on Christmas Ale. Here's my five pint star! Did I say pint? I meanted-ed point.

I used to make home movies out of the year's footage with iMovie but my cameras (both Casio and iPhone camera) died. You know what they say, when it rains, things get wet. I'm writing a letter to Santa...I wonder if he accepts texts? Until then, I'll have to make do with the camera on the iPad. Can you say, cumbersome~.

Besides, the boys aren't cute little babies getting into adorable mischief anymore. They're violent, gross and foul mouthed. They take after their father, you know - Tourrette's Guy, which would make them Tourrette's Kids.

And here's an example: we were walking through Central Park the other day when Samu spotted a lady walking a rather big Rottweiler. Samu's high pitched voice pierced above the clamor of the park as he mindlessly chattered, "Look at that dog. Do you see that big dog? That's a big dog."

Then he paused to catch his breath, perhaps, and the temporary silence created a vacuum for a second before he blurted out, "Look at his BALLS."

That's the Christmas spirit!

My iPhone's idea of a picture

Crabs and farting robots

8 comments:

  1. Okay- this is hilarious- Farting robots? You know what's more hilarious? I love your handmade gifts! I actually think you should link these up to my link party, Nami! http://crittersandcrayons.com/2011/11/27/our-homemade-christmas-gifts-dont-look-if-youre-on-my-list/ They can be the anti-craft homemade gifts! :)

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  2. I want Samu to come live with me. A friend told me once that kids say what we feel. It's true. Whenever I see dog balls I think, "look at his balls."

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  3. @crittersandcrayons: Actually...that's what gave me the idea. If I ever get around to the 5 Pint, um, point star, I'll definitely take pictures with my cumbersome iPad.

    @Twinisms: You can have Samu anytime! Seriously, he's like Wee-man in "Jack Ass"!

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  4. Hey, I reckon you could sell that iPhone photo to some contemporary art gallery for a handsome sum. Then you can go and get that new phone :) Actually, hang on. Forget that. I think you can get more for the "Crabs and farting robots" :)

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  5. I've got enough "contemporary" art to fill up my garage between the artist hubby and his minions. If any of their work actually buys me something, I'll wash my mouth out with soap!

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  6. Farting robots. That's funny. :) Ok, and who am I kidding?!...big dog balls are funny too. :)

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  7. Hahahahaha! I'd still stand by my opinion, Samu's gonna earn big bucks on his arts and he's gonna by you as many Iphones you'd like.

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  8. @Michelle: If men were anatomically designed like dogs, they'd never have a problem picking up girls.

    @grapesandoranges: Should Samu make the big bucks, you'll get commission for calling it!

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