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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Snow Bullets

I don't know what it is about a blizzard but the idiots were out in full force. Like, hey, today seems like the perfect day to drive to Home Depot for that wing nut! And those old folks who could barely walk under normal conditions who decided to go out with a shopping cart. Yes, a shopping cart...I kid you not.

The Blizzard of 2010 was a doozy. It actually stopped most of the NYC subway from running. Not even terrorists have managed that, you hear me Bin Laden. So, although it was an extra day off for my husband, it was hardly a day off considering he had to break his back shoveling and climbed mounds of snow to replenish our beer supply. Thanks, honey!

Meanwhile, I was taking trips up and down the block every four hours to check in on my mom, who had come down with the flu. "I should've got the flu shot," she said. Yeah, everything looks good in 20/20 hindsight and ironically, she tells me things like that all the time. Guess it's a bitter pill to swallow when you're aching, shivering and just plain miserable.


As unfortunate as it was, I considered it a blessing in disguise. If she weren't bedridden, she'd be one of those busybodies venturing out in the snow because I know she absolutely hates to be cooped up. And since she'd have no where to go, she'd undoubtedly be over my house inspecting our snow shoveling. My wrists were instantly sore from shoveling a pathway that was only big enough for Paris Hilton. Though my mom wasn't there to critique it, our neighbors were and they must've felt compelled to "correct" my measly pathway by shoveling one of their own. Whatever.

On my way to check on mom, the streets resembled a doomsday movie. Roads clogged with snow deep enough to reach my hips and still, I saw two different cars stuck, magnificently, in the middle of the road. Faced by a wall of snow up to the headlights, the drivers of each vehicle were standing outside their car...wondering what to do.

Why do these four-wheel driving morons think their car was Moses or something? Dude, the Red Sea parts in half, okay...not three feet of snow, you mother-trucker!

I was also entertained for a while when a taxi cab driver got stuck in a snow ditch in the middle of 40th Street and Greenpoint Avenue. Nobody offered to help - not even a tow truck that passed him by. You know why? Because he was that dumb to drive in this weather in the first place. Raj, even folks in Colorado take lessons driving in snow - where you come from you don't have Fords or snow so, stay home! What made him think that anybody would get in his cab, anyway?

Now, my boys who couldn't wait to go out in the snow, were a different story. All they wanted to do with the snow was play in it and considering it was their Christmas break I saw no reason why they shouldn't.

Besides, it gave me an opportunity to brush up on my snowball making. Density, size, amalgamation make for quality snowballs and it is - an art. I tried to teach the boys how to make snowballs but they were too retarded with excitement so they came back with a million excuses, finally resolving to ass-kissing. "You make them better than mines, Mommy so, can you make 'em for me? Like one-hundred of them?"

As I was compressing snowball number fifty-six, I realized how similar it was to making "onigiri," a Japanese riceball, which really is a misnomer because it's actually triangular in shape. It made me wonder what kind of snowball a Sushi Chef might make. If they could shape sushi rice with a couple of fingers into a palatable little platform for a beautiful piece of tuna, just imagine what they could make with a fistful of snow -  snowbullets, perhaps?

I quit after seventy-some-odd snowballs. There was no point in working this hard without even getting the pleasure of pelting the little bastards myself.

At the end of the day, my family was pooped and I guess that's a good thing. Things could've been worst - imagine if we had an emergency. The most unfortunate thing that came out of this blizzard was to be faced with the fact that despite the amount of taxes we pay, the city couldn't manage to clear the roads. If someone on 40th Street had to go to the hospital - there was no way an Emergency vehicle was going to take them there. If they wanted Chinese food, however, Ten Full Chinese Take Out was open.

Nothing like a blizzard to make you hungry for some lo-mein.

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