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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Look At It This Way

Oh,'s cold outside. For the past week, everyone around here have been freezing their balls off, especially moms. The roundtrip back and forth from school - two times per kid - is pure hell. But you know me, the Queen of Optimism(Hah!). I'm trying to look on the bright side of things because this weather can be damn depressing.

Twenty-degree temperature is for penguins, not humans - I agree. But look at it this way, at least the garbage doesn't stink because it's Refrigerated! Try eating that frozen pumpkin now, you bastard squirrel! It also freezes doggie poop, so all you have to do is sweep it away - even the soupier turds. And spit? Transformed into a solid crystal of bubbles, something green in the middle. You think that's gross - try frozen vomit. Is that a whole White Castle hamburger in that mess?

Dressing warmly is heavy, man. Have on enough layers, you think? Personally, I wear a tank top, t-shirt, long sleeved shirt and vest for the top half and a wool mini skirt over my jeans to warm my mammoth ass and thighs. I don't even ask - I know I look fat. But I look at it this way, I look fat all around - not just in the mid-section - and it's harder to spot sweaty armpits. Zoo-wee-mama! The added bonus is, putting on and taking off all these layers to go to the bathroom is like doing Yoga, especially in a public bathroom when you're pressed for space and time.

And Lord knows I haven't done Yoga for about ten days now. Maybe I've gone about a month for any other workout. But who wants to exercise under these conditions? Of course, I feel the guilt and self doubt that consequently arises from skipping the exercise routine, but look at it this way. I'm saving energy and water because I don't have additional workout clothes to wash nor do I need to take as long of a shower. Besides, it's too cold outside to enjoy an ice cold beer inside so, in not having beers those calories are already canceled out, right? Although, I probably should be counting the hot toddies...nnnahhh.

Last but not least: copulation. You know, sex. In marriage, it's always the Big Gray Area. You love your partner of X-many-years that you know him inside out and that means he's, well...repulsive. Sometimes. Anyway, so this thing you used to do all the time kind of dies down year after year and you start looking for excuses to gracefully bow out.

Some couples go weeks, even months without doing it. I don't know this for a fact because I never ask but I can always tell when a friend had been "cozy" with his or her spouse - they usually crave a burger and fries for lunch the next day. No, I'm just kidding! Enjoy your Five Guys handmade burger, already.

Getting back on track, here. I've discovered that, "it's too cold," works better than, "I've got a headache." For this to work, however, the thermostat at home must be set at sixty-eight degrees. During the day, with natural sunlight to warm the rooms, it's not so bad. But at night...brrrr. You'll find that keeping the house cool also has the same effect as a cold shower. Though in my case, I think it's the Tinkerbell flannel pajama bottoms that puts out the fire of his desire more than the temperature.

And - on the other hand - the little chill in the air can bring out the animal in any old relationship. A wrestling match under the covers? A hot shower to-ge-ther? Hmmm...This is turning into a Redbook article. But before I stop, ever wonder why there are so many birthdays in September, October, November? Well, that's the way I look at it.


  1. It's hard to get going when it's so cold, but I find if we can power through the uncomfortable stage, then we wind up quite a bit warmer!

  2. True that! My kids have recently found power through hot cocoa - the colder it gets the more mini-marshmallows.

  3. OMG I hate the cold but I love cool crisp snuggly nights with my fella... My son is a product of my spring break trip to visit my then husband while he worked away and I was in college ... HA! poor kid... I can't imagine the layers of clothes I am seriously pissed about having to wear shoes of the non flip flop form... but you may feel free to laugh at my missery come July =)