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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Objective: Uh, Whatever Man

For two days now, Samu's been saying, "I have a resume."

I was sure he meant something else but he persisted saying, "At my After-School, we're working on my resume."

Rather than ask what a five-year old needs with a resume, I asked if the After School resume writing service was free because I could use some help myself. The cookie-cutter format offered on Monster.com isn't bad - I just have a problem filling it in with the truth.

It's like trying to perk up sagging boobs with Scotch tape bought in a 99 cent shop.

In fact, my resume is so pitiful, I'm tempted to apply for a job at Wendy's Drive Thru because really, what would they want with a resume for that job? All they do is take orders, pack it wrong and forget to include napkins and ketchup. I can do that.

But my true anxiety is "going back to work." As I approach my mental deadline to re-enter the work field, I find myself conjuring up all kinds of nightmares that my absence would incur. What if the boys start singing Eminem songs? Who will tell them to keep their pants on at the table? How many boogers will Samu eat before someone stops him?

You see - I can't go back to work, yet.

In the past four years, I have been on a few interviews. They were...awkward. I'd say, "The hiatus? Well, the hiatus was due to my other full time job: caring for midgets."

"When can I work? Maybe Wednesdays for like...30 minutes. But don't worry, that's just until my kids have moved out."

I supposed I should've ironed out the resume problem before sitting in the hot seat. When I was in charge of hiring at my last real job, I must've looked over thousands of resumes. To save time, I focused on three things: A good objective, spelling and grammar.

Something tells me, Samu's resume would fail them all. Still, I bet he'd land a job with it considering the only place he'd think to send it is the North Pole to work for Santa Claus. He would totally fit in with sweat-shop elves.

I think, however, Samu has an inkling to be an architect. He tells me he wants to build the Empire State Building when he grows up. Yes, he knows it's built already - but his skyscraper is going to be made with Lego and dominoes.

It's a good thing we don't have earthquakes in New York.

Hi, King Kong!

15 comments:

  1. I'm back! God, the last couple weeks have been awful.
    As for re-entering the workforce, I'm terrified. I mean, yeah, I'm scared because I have no clue what I wanna do next time around, but I'm also literally scared shitless when it comes to interviews...as in they're my #3 fear (right behind public speaking and the undead woman who lives in my guest bathtub at night). I drink heavily before interviews. Vodka and something-or-other. I drink so much that I don't even remember the interview afterwards. But I usually get the job.

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    1. Heard about your snogs - glad it's over for you. I'll have to try that drinking before an interview thing. Either that, or ask the "undead woman" to fill in for me?

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  2. "A good objective, spelling and grammar."
    You nailed this. Now, just remember, an interview is a two-way street. It is also important for you to know if you would like to be doing the job or at least give it a try.
    You will be fine!
    P.S. Give Isamu a very tight hug and a pinch on the cheeks for me please. ;) Cutie!

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    Replies
    1. Tight hugs and a pinch - that, I think, I can accomplish.

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  3. He is amazing. I think, rather than get a job, you should just get another baby.

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    Replies
    1. Whoa! Don't jinx me! Then again...

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  4. Nami- I'm sure you will do just fine- Most people don't have that kind of hiring perspective! You know what to look for so you know what to write! :) Good luck! You'll do great!

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    1. Thanks for having faith in me, Tricia. That makes one of us! I'll let you know if I get that Drive Thru receptionist job.

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  5. Samu's a step ahead of me. All I do is step on lego's and I'm not smart enough at math to play dominoes.

    I'm with you on re-entering the work force. Scary stuff.

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  6. Oh your boy is a smart one!
    Speaking of resume yeah I know...I've dealt with them so much and has gone through so much job interviews since November it's getting ridiculous. I think you will do great tho going back to the work field! :D

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    Replies
    1. X=Faith + Y=Hope = A shitload of wishful thinking. Thanks, girl! I can use all the encouragement I can get.

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  7. When I applied to work for the school system, they didn't even look at my resume! The tired looking woman interviewing everyone took me in her office for all of 3 minutes. She saw I passed the background check, asked if I had ever worked with children (yes) and if I was patient (yes). THen she sent me down the hall to fill out paperwork! lol

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    Replies
    1. Deep down inside, she knew you were "The One". Like Lawrence Fishburn in The Matrix.

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  8. That's awesome he wants to be an architect! :) I think it's cool they are introducing the idea of a resume to kids- And, I'm sure you'll be fine re-entering the workforce. Being a mom requires a lot of the same skills as the daily grind in an office.

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