Criminals These Days

You know that crime is out of hand when a stolen car is left in your driveway and the police take seven hours before responding. Word of advice, if you ever have to call to your local precinct, be sure you sound hysterical and threaten to call back every five minutes like you have nothing better to do. Or say you have a batch of homemade cookies and a fresh pot of coffee and nobody to eat it.

 Early Friday morning, I woke up to find this green minivan parked at the foot of our community driveway. Seriously, I was on the phone the entire day trying to get this thing moved. I called 311, 911 our local precinct and our district councilman and was faced with this conundrum: the police can't tow it because it's on private property, the sanitation department won't tow it because it still has its license plates and a private tow won't tow it unless it knows who's paying. There was no registration on the windshield (maybe because it's stolen?) - so basically, we were screwed.

I honestly considered setting it on fire and calling the Fire Department. Those guys are way cuter, anyway. It took all the neighbors calling to finally get the police to check out the vehicle and guess what? They found out it was stolen. Duh. That's my $1300 of local taxes (just the city tax, folks) working hard, right there.

All I can say is, these car thieves are at the top of my shit list. I hope they are condemned to an eternity of crossing the George Washington Bridge. East bound. Without an EZ pass. Really, why couldn't they dump the car on the street like every other criminal? And the worst part about it was - it's a butt-ugly car.

Criminals, these days. Just rude, I tell you.

And if you're wondering, those are iron window guards on my window. I am not in Martha Stewart Jail.

Over, Under and Through

The bridge. It's finished. The Manhattan Bridge project is officially over - we've been under it, over it and now we're through. Whether or not it makes it to school in the morning is not my problem but just in case, I've taken a few pictures. Besides, it's not fair for Zuki's classmates to see it before his Grammy, Baba and officials fans do.

Without further ado, Zuki's Manhattan Bridge project.

3D - cool, right?

Daddy came up with the "shadow box" idea but Zuki totally wrote the Manhattan Bridge sign on top. With glitter pen, I might add. That's craftsman right there.

In the event that the project gets picked by a psychotic pigeon on the way to school, here is the composition unedited, meaning spelling mistooks and all.

"My report is about the Manhattan Bridge. The Manhattan Bridge was built because there was too much traffic over the Brooklyn Bridge. The Manhattan Bridge was made to carry subway trains.

The Manhattan Bridge was opened on December 31, 1909. It was designed by Leon Moiseef.

The original designer of the Manhattan Bridge was Gustav Lindthal. He was fired from the job. But they used many of his ideas. Lindthal's idea was to make the bridge flexable to carry trains.

Moiseef's design was not as good as Lindthal. The Manhattan Bridge was underbuilt.

The trains made the Manhattan Bridge very dangerous to cross. The city wanted to close the bridge and make another way to cross the river. But they decided to reconstruct it.

Reconstruction took a very long time. The work began in the 1980's and ended in 2007. The Mattan Bridge celebrated its 100th birthday in october 2009.

The Manhattan Bridge is an inportant part of New York City. Everybody should see the Manhattan Bridge. Why? Because trains run over it."

Seriously, I only helped a little. Do you like how the original designer was "fired" from his job? It's pure Zuki.

The Author

Leap Of Faith

I wish my birthday fell on Leap Day because technically, I'd be eleven years old. My birthday, however, is in July - the month that everybody's away on vacation. So if we're counting celebrations, technically I guess I'm five. That goes for my maturity as well.

Samu, the Kindergartner, knew today was Leap Day. His older brother, the Air-Head, doesn't even know what year we're in, much less the day of the week. Forget explaining Leap year or Leap Day - I might as well teach him Latin.

For example, everyday for homework, he has to write his name and the date. I'll ask him what today is and no matter where we are in the month he says, "I don't know, the 9th?"

"No, we're further than that. Look on the calendar."

He checks the calendar and five minutes later he says, "Yeah, it's the 9th."

So forget the concept of Leap Year.

Ask him what date "The Avengers" movie is going to be released, however, and he'd probably include a countdown. What can I expect from a kid who eats a dry rice cake topped with dry seaweed?

Don't clean your screen, that is rice cake on his cheek.

Free Praise

You are doing an excellent job.

Don't look over your shoulder because I AM talking about you. We all need a random somebody to be on our side and say something encouraging - even though that person may be an embarrassment, but what the heck, praise is hard to come by. So take this compliment - compliments of the nutty house and Thank You.

You might suspect that I'm having a "corn flake" moment and I did consider downloading the "Magic 8 Ball" application for my iPhone to guide me through tough times. The truth is, I just decided to be grateful for everything. Even the shitty things - like returned packages for insufficient address. But most of all, I'm grateful that you stop by, leave comments and give me a reason to publicly announce my idiocy. After all, a low can be a high if you look at it upside down. It all depends on your point of view.

With that said, here is an inspirational video of Samu's idea of skipping rope. Honestly, he thinks he's really good at it.

By the way, the Magic 8 Ball app is now FREE!

The Mid-Winter Recess From Hell!

"I survived the Mid-Winter Recess 2012" - that's my new bumper sticker idea. For when I get a bumper other than my fat ass. Honestly, I love my kids but having them all day for a whole week was like being held prisoner by mental-midget pirates.

Of course, I'm exaggerating - again. Although the boys were far from being angels, they followed my objective, which was to sleep in every morning. I planned nothing just to accomplish this and for the most part, I succeeded. We slept until 7:06 am.

As a result, I have nothing to show - so I'll post the rest of the pictures we took during our tour of the Lower East Side. It followed our field trip to the Manhattan Bridge because I personally feel that Chinatown is not a kid-friendly exploration. It might just be me, but I don't appreciate old ladies elbowing me to pass on Canal Street. Don't worry - I elbowed her back at the red light she was in a hurry to catch.

Yes - I can be a bitch, too. Have you seen my mother?

We stopped for lunch at One and One - it's a pub on First Avenue and First Street, thus the name. Back in the day, it was our favorite last stop. It looked quite different in the daylight and I vaguely remembered the food being good - but even sober, it was fantastic. Not to mention, our waiter looked a lot like Lawrence Fishburn. I'll take the blue pill.

On a useless fixture in the middle of Allen Street

Where Mommy & Daddy used to play live bad music

One on One, waiting for grub

An unusual shot of Mommy and Daddy - together

In front of Hell's Angels HQ - where they belong!

Bridge Over Trouble

For the shortest month of the year, February always gets me in a funk right smack in the middle of it. Maybe it's the tax preparation, or it's the cluster of birthdays of all the wackiest women I know. Personally, I blame Valentine's day. The idea of hearts and chocolate just makes me a little bi-polar, ya know?

So, even if this only suits myself - I am dedicating this post to encouragement. While perfection and beauty may get all the attention, flaw and functionality are the crucial balance without which love would cease to exist.

Yeah, I'm not sure how that works either but it sounds good, don't it?

It started with the second grader's Social Studies project: two full written pages and a mini-model on a New York City landmark. Zuki was assigned the Manhattan Bridge. Of all the useless landmarks in this town, the Manhattan Bridge was my least favorite. If I had a choice, I would've picked "Pete's Tavern" in Gramercy Park - no doubt I'd do a lot of hands on research there. I'm sure many New Yorkers feel the same way. It's an unimpressive bridge. Not to mention shoddy. But Manhattan Bridge is what we're stuck with.

The research was grueling because the resources were profoundly limited. I resorted to reading a blog, albeit a rather insightful one, which titled the post, "Manhattan Bridge: New York's Dysfunctional Classic". Like the ugly middle sister, standing in the shadow of our beloved Brooklyn Bridge, the Manhattan Bridge to this day is under appreciated and largely ignored. It was almost scrapped entirely but went under reconstruction instead - for nearly two decades. Today, it stands dutifully - silencing the doubters and receiving nothing more than a mention in a footnote.

In a way, I can identify with that. The headache we're experiencing right now with Zuki's schooling is a strange reflection of its plight. Seriously, it's enough to make me want to go there to jump off of it. Instead, we took a field trip to the Canal Street entrance to pay our respects. We took pictures by the stone archway - the bridge's only notable feature and I promised to appreciate it more. In my head, I thanked the Manhattan Bridge for showing me the beauty of surviving those troubles and eventually becoming the subject of a seven year old's school project.

I was sure my husband was appreciating the same new found respect when he uncharacteristically asked to borrow the camera.

Then he said, "I want to take pictures of that statue's tits."

Honestly. Can't take him anywhere.

Sweet Tits is on the bottom left

Zuki's attempt at photography

I 8 Your Heart

Although I'm not in a writing rut right now (try saying that three times fast), I just had to take a break and get away. In other words, my husband turned on AMC's "The Walking Dead" marathon and I could not tear myself away.

What is it about zombies? Out of all the ghouls, they are the least intelligent. Downright retarded if you ask me. Yet, what makes them so appealing? For starters, nobody's tried to make them more, you know, romantic. Unlike vampires, who have become fashionably lame, zombies haven't sold out. Their look hasn't changed, still wearing those same tattered clothing with blood stains that make you wonder if there's enough Tide stick in the world to get them out.

My boys are rather obsessed with zombies, too. How do you kill zombies, mommy?

"Honey, there are no such things as zombies."

"Yeah, but if there were, how would you kill them?"

"Apparently, you have to shoot 'em in the head because if you shoot anything in the head, it dies. Well...except maybe Kevin Brennan."

But Werewolves are my personal favorite. Maybe because I'm raising two myself. They are not affected by the phases of the moon, however, they are half feral almost all the time. This picture speaks for itself.

The Feral Kids

But I am happy with my lovable mosters. Be it zombies, werewolves or toofless sharks, they have a heart of gold. Happy Valentine's day.

Samu's Zombie V-day Card