Dads Are People Too

It's a shame but I only recognized my dad on Father's day when I was well into adulthood. Even then, it was really only a reason to crack open a bottle of wine.

Since my boys are a little too young to have a conversation over a glass of Pinot and a plate of cheese, they did the next best thing - they made a Father's Day card that would make any dad feel drunk with joy.

This is the Father's day card made by Zuki:

And this is Samu's:

I got the Dude the P90X 10 minute workout program on DVD. It comes with workout bands, meal planning tips and a bonus Ab workout so he can keep that studly figure and still his enjoy his beer while watching Man v. Food - a dangerous show to watch while dieting.

The other part of his Father's Day gift is, we're not spending any of his money today. I wasn't going to mention that we spent a lot of it last weekend but I guess I just did. Isn't that what are Dads for - well, for daughters, anyway.

So, thank you Dads across the world for being who you are. That you patiently waited for society to finally acknowledge that we can openly appreciate all you do for us without making you feel like a pansy in accepting your children's love. Although we may not tell you that we love you as much as we tell Mom - because she makes us feel guilty if we don't proclaim our devotion every ten minutes - we never, ever forget the little things you say. And being that you have to compete with mom for air time, it is very little...but, it stays with us for life.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

The Lost Symbol Review

I love the library. One, because I'm too poor to afford to buy the latest best seller and two, because the return due date pressures me to finish reading the damn book regardless of how much it's putting me to sleep.

At my sister-in-law's reccommendation, I recently finished "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown. I liked it better than "The DaVinci Code" but I still believe "Angels And Demons" was Brown's best work.

"The Lost Symbol" had its page-turning moments but if it weren't for the library's deadline it probably would have taken me another three months to finish reading it. Sometimes, the story got too caught up in surprises and mysteries that at times I felt like the lost symbol.

The character that kept me going was the Japanese CIA woman. Every time she spoke, I pictured Edna Mode, the super suit designer from The Incredibles. Two feet tall, big glasses and a bob cut was how I pictured Inouye Sato - I just couldn't take her seriously and perhaps that was the goal. The other thing is, Inouye is a last name but...whatever.

And then Peter Solomon's character, I kept envisioning Philip Seymour Hoffman. If you're listening, Mr. Ron Howard - it's just a suggestion. Because Tom Hanks ruined it for me as far as the Robert Langdon character goes. I can no longer read the books without picturing the Bosom Buddy and it's just awful. Just awful. Don't get me wrong - I love Tom Hanks. He was brilliant as the Captain saving a retarded Matt Damon but as a genius symbologist saving mankind...not so much.

Overall, the story and the writing were excellent - full of suspense as only Dan Brown can deliver. If they do make a movie out of this, all I want to see is the giant squid (read the book). I was expecting more of an enrichment when it came to the nerve of the story: the incredible power our mind is capable of commanding. But Mr. Brown didn't reveal anything that hadn't already been written by Crowley or Jung or Castaneda for that matter.

In a nutshell, "The Lost Symbol" is a good workout for your mind - a.k.a. the image of God.

All Hitched Up And Ready To Go

It's true that change is the only consistent thing in life. Well, that and inflation...and dry Vodka Martinis and Dove chocolate bites if it's dark with almonds. But change is always enjoyable because the more it happens, the more things stay the same. Whereas inflation, martinis and Dove chocolate bites tend to add padding in the wrong places.

What changed over the weekend, you say? Oh nothing much, just a family member! My sister-in-law, Rachel was married to Joe in a charming ceremony conducted by a humorous Father Nick at the St. Thomas Church.

It was hard to believe the beautiful bride was posing in a picture with a whip and a package of Dicky Treats just two weeks ago. Here she is just minutes before being whisked away to church in the...Honda minivan.

Sorry, but I have no pictures of the actual wedding because I Was In It! Woo-hoo, my first Maid of Honor gig. I don't see any more in my future and thank goodness for that - I was ready to pass out wearing a corset. You don't realize how much you need your diaphragm until you constrain it. I have to warn you too, that if you drink wearing a tight corset, you don't feel drunk until it comes off - it's like releasing the Kraken from your liver.

I'm really proud of my guys - even Samu who was still bouncing on steroids during the ceremony. He didn't sprint down the aisle like he did during rehearsal, but he kept pretending to drink the wine as he brought it to the Alter. And Zuki almost tossed the Body of Christ crackers. It's kind of fitting since he's usually doing that with his cookies, the little Puker. Here they are looking Gangsta.

And though the Best Man escorted me down the aisle, here's a picture of him with his "companion" at the reception.

And finally, the Happy Couple. It's really an endearing picture if you can get past my husband looking like he's waiting for someone to bring him a cocktail.

Congratulations, Rachel and Joe. We wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. And - no pressure here - but if you guys have a girl, well, then I'm off the hook...I'm just sayin'.

The Last Hair Bender

How do you reward a kid who just tackled his first bout with poison ivy with steroids and remained angelic throughout Auntie's full mass wedding? You shave his head.

Now he looks like the Last Air Bender or the Golden Child.

He wasn't happy. After Daddy shaved it off, I heard the little guy say, "Put it back!"


"Don't worry," I said, "it'll grow back."

"Tomorrow?" He asked.

Samu Rodriguez

What do Samu and Alex Rodriguez have in common? Steroids. It seems my three-year-old has to take Prednisone to clear up his poison ivy. Is it a good idea to put a child who regularly jumps off the furniture and talks a mile a minute on a drug whose side effect includes mania? Well, let's see...

As a precaution, I asked my mother to babysit him the first day of administering it. Being that Zuki had a half day of school and he and his gang were meeting up at the park, I didn't think adding a pumped-up three-year-old to a group of Boys-gone-wild was the way to go. My mother agreed to call  and see if we should hook up.

I received a voicemail message from her instead and as I listened to it, I was reminded of that scene in The Incredibles where Helen is listening to the increasingly alarmed messages from Jack-Jack's babysitter. My mother's message goes, "We're on our way but Samu is acting really, really Crazy...now he's pushing me - okay -okay he's biting me now and it hurts...WHERE ARE YOU?"

We never did hook up at the park - I wound up picking him up at my mother's house some three hours later. When I got there, he was running from room to room, dumping out toys, putting them back in their containers and dumping them out again. My mother's face was that of despair.

"I have to do the laundry," she said. "He pooped all over the sheets."

I heard that happens to heroin users - uncontrollable bowel movements. I wondered if it's the same with steroids. Then I remembered how Samu's a Pooper anyway. It was probably nothing unusual even though it's his second huge dump in under 24 hours.

What was unusual was his agreeing with me that it was time to go home. Well, he did cry at first but then he did a bipolar turnaround as soon as we gave him a Capri Sun: wah-wah-wah-oh-a drink! Then he bolted, and I mean bolted, out the door skipped down the hall and launched himself at the elevator button. He missed of course, but he thought it was hysterical.

Meanwhile, my mother gave us the Jehovah's Witness goodbye: slammed the door, bolted all the locks - loudly. No, I'm just kidding. I'm sure she wanted to but instead she followed us out and headed for the Bodega, no doubt to buy two King-sized Budweisers.

It's no wonder steroids are banned from sports. It really does seem to give people super-human powers. Later that evening, I watched Samu choke-hold my husband as we tried to finish our dinner and I decided that I would give the medication three days and that's it. One, I don't think our house is covered for body imprints on the wall and two, my mother wants me to sell her the rest on the black market so she can accomplish some Triatholon-type cleaning. What the heck - she might even sweep my garage at five in the morning.

Bones And The City

A job interview had me going through Midtown Manhattan the other day. It was sunny, warm and beautiful and the streets were packed with Yuppies hunting for their lunch. Falafel vendors were busy falafeling, Chop't was busy chopting and street cafes were packed with patrons dressed like ice cream cones.

It had been three years since I roamed the lunch hour of Midtown Manhattan and of all the changes I noticed the one thing that really stuck out was how skinny women are these days. I thought I was looking at a scene straight out of the tabloids with anorexic actresses. Everywhere I turned there was a broomstick in three-inch heels. Is every woman trying to be like Sarah Jessica Parker or something?

I passed by two women perched on the side of a water fountain, opening a snack sized tupperware containing their pasta salad. Is that all they're having for lunch? No wonder they're so skinny. As I waited for the light to turn green, I checked to see if they perhaps had a duffel bag on the side containing a whole turkey or something more substantial but no - they each held a little clutch bag in their laps, which suggested the bird feed portion of pasta salad is all they brought. Now that's sad.

Ever since I became a full time mom, I haven't had a proper lunch break. As a matter of fact, the six years prior to that - working full time as a manager - I hadn't had a regular lunch break. That's about ten years of lunchlessness. If I had the luxury of having an hour, even forty minutes of undisturbed noshing in the middle of the day - I would fix myself a banquet. Everyday. And if I blew up like Ann Wilson of Heart, so be it. At least I'm enjoying my lunch break.

I do miss the city lunch dates. My favorite was one I had with my dad at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central Station. We sat at the counter and had a bowl of New England clam chowder and an ice cold Bud draft in frosty mugs. Okay, we had two beers each but they were small by our standards. I can't tell you how many calories that must've cost, probably the same amount "bird-feed-pasta-girl" eats in a week but it's a lunch date I'll never forget and that's what dining in the city should be about.

A Zoo At The Zoo

What could be crazier than escorting a Kindergarten class to the Central Park Zoo? Going in 83 degree weather, that's what. I forgot how hot it gets in a school bus - the only cool air you get is the breeze that creeps in through the windows when the bus is moving. Too bad New York City traffic makes that virtually impossible.

Speaking of traffic, New York City is probably the worst city for wheels - nobody gets a break, not even school buses with children. On any given weekday, traffic doesn't move but to add insult to injury, you can't stop either. You know how people joke around about doing a jump and tuck from a slow moving vehicle - that's how you have to do it in New York. It's all part of the experience, I suppose.

Once we were in, we got right down to business. First we headed for the penguins. It's easy to see where they got the idea for the Penguins Of Madagascar - they are nuts. I can't believe how many of them are living in that glass ice box. No wonder they're always trying to escape.

Next we moved on to the "Analyze That" polar bear. Sure enough, he was swimming back and forth giving us a nice shot of his ass, like he's been doing for the past eight years. Then we saw grass because the leopard was hiding. Two attractions, one no-show and the kids were already complaining. Although, I really couldn't blame them - it was HOT.

By the end of the trip, we drank all our bottled water. So I broke down and bought a bottle at one of the vendors. I only brought three bucks with me and thank God I didn't buy a cup of coffee earlier because I wouldn't have had enough for water if I did. Two dollars and eighty five cents for a bottle of Aquafina. I knew they were going to rob me but that's outrageous! Who do they think they are, the Airport?

Zuki's friend, Rayn got a nice shot of the Insane Polar Bear:

This impromptu class picture was taken while we waited thirty minutes for our bus to pick us up:

You can tell we had a great time by the tired look on Zuki's face (he's the only one looking into the camera). If you plan to visit the Central Park Zoo, go in the morning, bring your own bottle of water and I guarantee you'll have a serene experience, especially after dealing with the zoo along Fifth Avenue.