Mental Processing

The thought process of boys never ceases to amaze me. For several days now, I've been lectured by the second grader on the appropriate protocol when on the computer. Each time he recited the four rules, they changed. But inevitably - they had something to do with not being kidnapped.

At first, I didn't notice the pattern. It was like listening to the paranoid grandma of a former band mate, "Don't get on the Internet - they'll come and take you away!"

Coming to take you away, Ha-ha.

According to my second-grader, at school they taught students that you have to ask for permission before you go on line.

"Okay, that sounds reasonable," I said.

He continued with the Bible of Computer Ethics According to P.S. 150. "If somebody says he's a kid but he's not a kid, then that means he wants to kidnap you."

(....)

Yeah, I rubbed my chin at that one, too.

Then he continued, "If the person asks you for your name and stuff, you shouldn't give it to him because he wants to kidnap you."

It got fuzzy from there. Obviously, he was just picking out key words and not processing the rest.

"If you start a chat, you could catch a virus and then you would have to HIDE from any and every computer for ten days!"

"Ten days is a lot - it's two work weeks. Are you sure?"

"No, maybe it's twelve."

Did I mention he's still working on his numbers?

With his recount, I pictured computer class going something like, "Hey boys and girls, visit Sesame Street dot OWG(as Whoopi Goldberg says) but do NOT go to NAMBLA dot com because they might come and kidnap you."

First, let me save you from a Red Flag trace of Googling NAMBLA - it stands for National Association of Man Boy Love Affairs. I know this because, umm, I used to hang out with some really lazy dudes that would look up F'd up things during work hours...yeah, that's it.


Getting back to my lecturer, after a few more minutes of his kidnapping prevention techniques surfing the web, I asked him if they taught him any of the benefits of computers.

"What?"

What. As if I asked him what are the benefits to being run over by a car.

What. As in, what else are computers for except potentially getting children kidnapped?

"Well," I stated, "they process a lot of information in a short amount of time - the work force is more effective, efficient and -"

His hands flew up ordering me to stop me talking - the file was too big to upload.

I'm sure his computer class went into practicing key strokes and using the mouse as well as exploring useful sights for research and games. They just went right over his head. He heard "kidnap" and froze there like an HP Compaq.

What can I say, it's the boy's mental processing - he's no Steve Jobs, that's for sure.